A real sign (with my red line inserted for emphasis) in a real retail store in a real city I visited this past weekend.

I did some thinking–definitely more difficult on a Monday; maybe I need a “select energy drink”–and here are some questions I have:

• Do internal organs remain intact after said energy drinks are imbibed?

• Do select energy drinks have to be registered?  If so, is there a waiting period?

• Is there a “Select Energy Drink” safety training course?

• Can “select energy drinks” also be used as effective hunting tools?  If not, do they work well as decoys and bait?

• Given that “proper ID [is] required,” is there a learner’s permit for consuming “select energy drinks”?

• Are there special interest and/or lobby groups that argue for Second Amendment protection for “select energy drinks”?

• Will newly legal 18-year-old consumers of “select energy drinks” also exercise their new voting rights during the elections?  Will they have enough energy to do so?

• If this sign appears on a standardized test and includes directions to “select the item that does not belong,” will the test-taker(s) be confused?

• What is the special, determining criterion that elevates an energy drink to “select energy drink” status?

• Was Mountain Dew so bad after all?