OMENs summit transcript

It was 2019 and once again time for the annual Outlook, Marketing, Entrepreneurship & Niches summit, aka “OMENs.” The year 2020 was just around the proverbial corner. Below are recently discovered excerpts from the summit’s brainstorming sessions and final report:

“Members, as the year 2020 approaches, what can we discuss as ‘the next big thing’? In other words, what do we see as going viral?”

Anonymous member: “To look forward, we need to look backward. Take hand sanitizer, for example. It was ubiquitous at many elementary school classrooms, but it’s almost considered as just another class supply. Nothing necessary or urgent. Hand sanitizer has no growth potential.

Anonymous member #2: “Agreed. Let’s also rule out toilet paper. I know that sounds like a no-brainer, but that’s just a commodity that’s always on hand and available. How can you promote growth with a product that practically ‘stays put’ and has a relatively long shelf life? We should totally wipe that one off the list!”

[brief corporate laughter]

Anonymous member #3: “Along those lines, I think water is one thing we can always depend on. Let me go one stop further. Since people are part of groups, we should place our bets on water fountains. After all, you can lead a man to water, and you don’t have to make him drink. He has no choice if he wants to live!”

[a second round of brief corporate laughter]

Anonymous member #4: “So let’s think outside the box. Really. How about facial masks that cover the nose and mouth? It would promote good hygiene and prevent the spread of germs.”

Incredulous member in response: “Are you serious? What are you, a germophobe? If only there were millions more like you—maybe. Otherwise, my friend, we just might have to put you in quarantine for the rest of the summit!”

[a third round of slightly more sustained corporate laughter]

Anonymous member #5: “How about Zoom technology for online meetings and webinars?”

Another dismissive member in response: “Nah. We already have Google, FaceTime, and scads of others. Besides, these days people want to meet in person instead of having to rely on technology for daily online work. Maybe further into the future, just not 2020.”

Anonymous member #6: “I guess that solidifies my idea in the strength of wall and desk calendars! People will always need to be reminded of dates when they are at work in their offices. It’s not like they’d ever be stuck at home with no need for 2-3 calendars as reminders.”

Summit chairperson: “Let’s move on to the bigger picture, as it were. What about the supply chain? Can we always count on its momentum and steadiness?”

[a noticeable corporate silence, not quite awkward, yet not fully at ease, which the summit chairperson construes as close to an agreement as one should expect, almost an unspoken questioning of the summit chairperson’s intent; i.e., was the chairperson serious or joking?]

Summit chairperson: “On that note, then, let us conclude by affirming the immutable and perennial reliability of human resources. It’s a good thing that most working people are fulfilled with their jobs and that good jobs are at a premium and almost to be coveted. We’d have a crisis of pandemic—I mean epidemic—proportions if millions of jobs went unfilled!”

***This excerpt represents only a small portion of the entire summit meeting. The report in its entirety has yet to be located and is feared left in hard copy sitting on an unused desk in an abandoned office suite somewhere in America. Only OMEN knows the truth…or do they?